"i have heartburn that's radiating in my knees and i haven't had a dump since like... wednesday"

"i think kids get bored and they have intercourse"

"did you see that coming"
"yeah, but i was hoping she was expelled or into hard drugs"

"so you're in your 2nd trimester"
"ahhh yeah apparently i'm due in my 4th"

"can't we just kick this like old school"

there are so many great lines in this movie, it's hard to name them all but here's a few that i think are fo shizz chromomagnificent